Voice of British Muslim Women

Mahrukh Arif-Tayyeb, Newcastle

Giving birth is a unique experience – it can also be quite a solitary one.

Women spend nine months carrying the little bundle of joy they are expecting: nine long months imagining his face, the sound of his voice, and the touch of his tiny little hands and feet. Everything is exciting for a first-time mum: the first scan, the first kicks and the gender-reveal. For nine months, the yet invisible little being growing inside you is stretching your body, tiring you out and making you weak but still making you the happiest woman in the world. And then, comes the day. The day when it all becomes real: when you finally get to hold the tiny creature who was moving inside your belly just yesterday.

The birth experience puts you into different mental stages. From the ‘I can’t wait to give birth‘ to‘ I am never doing this again‘, a million thoughts run through your head during labour. But then, when the midwife puts the baby on your chest, you forget everything almost in an instant.  The whole world stops for a second: even if you’re surrounded by a large medical team, in that moment, it’s just you and your baby. And that’s when it hits you: ‘I am a mother’.

Of course, in the beginning, the surge of hormones and the excitement of the new arrival is a source of happiness. Your family members are over the moon, you receive thousands of messages, calls even hospital visits throughout the day that cheer you up.

Sadly however, the birth experience isn’t the same for every woman. Some women do not feel any happiness at the arrival of their baby. The judgement and remarks of some family members make it worse: ‘you don’t look happy’, ‘you are being ungrateful’, ‘why are you crying on such a happy occasion?’ etc. Some women have trouble bonding with their newborn and when they manage to express this, they are severely judged and misunderstood.

Depression doesn’t knock before paving a way into your mind, it strikes suddenly – and nobody should be shamed for that. Many factors lead to this condition, but most importantly, your mental state during pregnancy and your surroundings play a huge role in this. Yet, whenever it strikes, some people will put the blame on you, they will try to convince you that there is something wrong with you, that you don’t have the mother instinct, adding more guilt and affliction to your condition. As I said before, giving birth can be a unique but solitary experience. At night time, you need to manage everything by yourself, think about all the possible reasons why your baby is fussy, gassy, cranky and make decisions – the right ones. Otherwise, you feel incompetent, and at times, you feel like your own child doesn’t love/need you. Postnatal depression pushes these normal new mum struggles to an edge and makes you think the worst about yourself. This is why it is important to recognize it early and seek help. For some women, the judgement of other experienced mothers and mothers-in-law lead them to such low esteem that they end up being submerged in suicidal thoughts.

So as we enter the second national lockdown, I call onto all the pregnant ladies and young mothers to take care of their mental health. We are all in the same boat, everyone is longing to meet their loved ones, and praying to live in a world where we can all meet freely again. But you are carrying/welcoming a new life: make sure you give them the best and happiest version of yourself. Put your trust in Allah, and strengthen your bond with Him for His gentle care will reassure you in your most distressing times. I also urge all ladies and gentlemen, to bear this in mind when you go to a visit a newborn next: try not to judge, rather be helpful, try not to taunt, rather be caring.

Having experienced postnatal depression first hand, I can say that a strong bond with God and the loving and encouraging words of my friends and family saved me from the reaching an extreme phase. Postnatal depression leaves painful after-effects though, therefore, make sure you take care of the pregnant ladies and new mothers around you. It is not easy to give birth in these difficult Covid times, where you can’t get any family or friends to come over and cheer you up. Your words can make or break someone’s heart. Therefore, try to heal an anxious heart with your tender love and care – because a happy mother is a blessing for a newborn. So you would be doing your next generation a huge favour.