Voice of British Muslim Women

Sarah Ward, London

What makes a mother?  Mothers are celebrated and respected across the globe and yet they come in many different styles.  Every mother is unique and interacts with her child in her own way so what are the defining elements which link all of these diverse women together?

Love? Every mother loves their child unconditionally.  According to societal norms, a mother falls in love with her child at first sight.  And yet this is a complicated bond which is different for every woman. We are now more open in discussing issues such as post-natal depression and recognising that love can be shown in many ways.  Love can be shown through actions as well as deeds. Some mothers cook lovingly, others invest in education, some may work to provide for their child’s needs. Each woman shows their love in their own way and according to their capacity.  There’s no single definition of love between a mother and a child.

Care? Mothers are ever ready to tend their child when they are sick.  They change, burp and feed them. They wash their clothes and prepare their school bags.  They support them during the big events in their lives. Yet fathers can do these acts too.  The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) often helped his wives in the household chores and took an active part in family life.  So perhaps this is not exclusive to mothers.

Time? Mothers devote hours of their day to the care of their children.  From waking at night to feed them, they prepare breakfasts, make packed lunches.  They ask how the day was, take them to visit friends, etc. Motherhood is not a part-time job, nor can you resign and there isn’t an opportunity for promotion for many years. Once motherhood is undertaken it lasts a lifetime and it remains despite emotional turmoil, physical distance, illness, academic success or failure.  It is not altered by any other measure. Yet many women live apart from their children, either working or studying to improve the family situation or through war, conflict or family circumstance. Teachers often spend more hours per day with children than their own parents. So are these women a lesser version of mothers?

Change? Motherhood is not a static state.  Mothers change and grow just as their children do. Mothers can mother differently to their different children and to the same child at different stages of their life.  The mothering practices required for a new-born are different than those needed for a teenager and a mother has to recognise and respond to these changes as they happen.  Food, sleep, exercise, compassion – the needs of a child in each category change and a mother must notice and adapt. Yet the siblings in a family are also responding to the same change.  They have to shift their place in the family dynamic without consent so mothers are not unique in this respect.

These are just a few aspects which could be used to define mothers.  Yet the reality is that all mothers are of unique value, they cannot be replaced in their child’s lives and their absence is always felt.  Quite simply, every child has a mother and only the mother can do that role for that child. Motherhood is not limited or defined by the number or ages of children.  And motherhood does not end, even bereaved mothers remain mothers, it is a bond that can never be erased.

The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) famously said that ‘Paradise lies under the feet of your mothers’.  He did not specify which mothers, of which race, culture or nationality. The Holy Qur’an goes much further than this with a compassion and love which is heart-warming.  It refers to his wives as ‘mothers of the believers’ (33:7). This included his wives who had no living children. When these statements are combined it is clear that motherhood is not the physical task of giving birth but it lies in the unique and individual combination of all of the above factors.

When the painful self-doubt or the sharp criticism of others bites, we should remember this simple lesson. Every woman has the capacity to earn Paradise for themselves through displaying their own mothering skills and every woman should take confidence and reassurance from this teaching.